July 22, 2011

In Which I Go and Get All Real

get with the times

I'm going to get real here. Realer than I've ever been with this blog. I want things. A lot of things. I want to live my life fast and furious and balls out. I want to make an indelible mark, even if it's just on the lives of my daughters (two of them!). I want to make art of all kinds, and I want security and abundance for my family. I want those two things to not be mutually exclusive. I've spent so much time fretting over my own shortcomings that I've let it hold me back from achieving great things, or even okay things. I've dreamed big, but accomplished very little. I'm vowing today to change that, to put myself out there, flaws and all, experiment, connect with the world, and figure it out as I go, even with an audience looking on. This is a vulnerable position I'm putting myself in. My nature is to research, plan, make a false start, research, plan some more, look at the big picture, convince myself that I'm not ready, not polished enough, not experienced enough, not educated enough, not good enough until I just give up, paralyzed by my perfectionism. I've been playing it safe, terrified of failing or looking like I don't have my shit together. I spend hours on blog posts, obsessing over each word and photo until it becomes a terrible chore instead of a pleasure. And so my blog sits. And sits. And the longer it sits, the more impossible it seems to pick it back up. But I'm giving myself permission to be real, to be flawed, to just do instead of plan. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines, polishing my big ideas like a worry stone in my pocket, always hidden from the light of day. Because with each passing day, month and year, I'm starting to see how fast time really flies, and how easily I could spend my whole life planning instead of living. I want to be continually searching and reaching for my best life, wherever that path that leads. My life, my creativity, and my dreams are not a finished product to be shared only when they measure up to the vision in my head. At the risk of sounding all cheesy and self help-y, "I'M HERE AND I'M QUEER, SO GET USED TO IT!" Er...uh...something like that. Maybe not that exactly, but you get the idea.

8 comments:

Hez said...

Yay!!!

First off, I feel you. I FEEL YOU. Being paralyzed by perfectionism has kept me from doing anything remotely interesting.

Secondly, I'd like to point out that everyone who knows you in real life (unrehearsed and just Holly being Holly) loves the sh*t out of you. So being "real" in your blog and with your art can only infuse it with more of your variety of genuine awesomeness.

Jeremy Tigar Hall said...

ditto. The Halls are going to do big things, baby. I've never been more proud of you.

Heather said...

You can do anything you set your mind to! I know you're gonna do great things. You've got the talent, the wit, the creativity and the awesome family to back you up and help you follow your dreams. Give yourself permission to learn as you go, soak things up, and follow your muse. I cant wait to see what these next few years bring your way!~

An Acre of Oklahoma said...

You go, girl! I have your back! Who is perfect? Nobody, no matter what they try to pretend. AND who care what anyone thinks, tell them to KISS your ***. I have always believed in you.

Jemellia said...

May I join you on your journey?

Holly said...

I have a tendency to do this too, so do not think I'm judging. But I think people WANT real. They want to see that you're a human being. And when they look up to you and think you're awesome (which everyone does, you probably have no idea how truly fab and admired you are) it makes them feel better about themselves to know that even this rock star and all around badass named Holly still has issues like everyone else. Taking pride in your work is fine, but don't be too hard on yourself because you're pretty much one of the most amazing people I've ever met.

veg-o-matic said...

Oh man, I would LOVE to be paralyzed by my perfectionism! As it is, I'm paralyzed by my utter lack of talent or skill of any kind.
So I'll just sit here on the couch and eat me some Doritos.

Briana Shepley said...

I find it can be definitely be hard to put yourself out there completely without bits of worry, in fact, I think it's completely normal! I agree with all of these comments - what bits I know of you are fantastically, awe-inspiring, creative bits that I can't wait to know more of! Your girls are so lucky to have you as a mama and will be such proud little daughters as they grow up :)