December 21, 2009

An Exclusive Peek Inside Craft House!

And now, dear readers, you are in for a real treat. Follow me to The Creative Center for America's Tremendous "Do-It-Yourself" Movement. That's right. The creative geniuses at Craft House have granted Sweetheartville exclusive access to their secret design lair, hidden deep inside the earth's core, constructed entirely of asbestos and Styrofoam balls which have been dipped in Cosmoline and glitter.

Step number one in the creation of a Craft House "do-it-yourself" design is a planning conference of all the department heads. From left to right are: Virginia-Fashion and Design Director, Mary Lou-Toxic Substance Sourcing Department, Jean-Accounting, Betty-Department of Sequins, Gertrude- Human Resources.

Now Mabel takes the "sparkling ideas" of the department heads and brings them to life by smudging bits of coal on old newspapers. Have you ever had a sparkling idea? I have had several, and they can be quite painful. However, I've been told by a doctor that my ideas are more sparkling than most, so don't be surprised if yours don't hurt.

Virgina calls all over the world looking for sequins and trim. Materials for Craft House kits travel from exotic Oriental lands like Hong Kong and Sheboygan.

Once the materials and decorative trim have arrived safely, they are carefully coordinated and organized using a specialized system of ropes, pulleys, and boxes from The Container Store.

Here is where the model-making specialists come in. These highly trained workers are entrusted with the important task of assembling the prototypical kits only after they've completed 700 hours of hands on Styrofoam adhesion and sequin pinning training. They must also pass rigorous physical testing and mental health screenings.

This finished "Drunken Snowman Leaning on a Light Post" model represents 40 man hours of labor, and untold tens of dollars in ruined supplies. Such is the level of Craft House's commitment to quality. Quality which will surely give holiday cheer to millions of nursing homes this year.


Heather said...

Oh, you and your sparkling ideas! Crafting was so hardcore back in the day ;)

Brigid said...

Betty has a beautiful moustache.

samann1121 said...

This is awesome. And I like that you mentioned cosmoline.

JemJam said...

I need to see this in film, pronto.

I assume by passing mental health tests, you mean "failing" b/c only a crazy person would want to pin 1,000 sequins to a styrofoam ball. I totally want to do it.

Holly said...

Oh my, this is an extremely entertaining post! I personally would love to have a drunken snowman winter scene in my home. ;-)

Eartha Kitsch said...

I seriously want to go back in time and work at Craft House.